I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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