she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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