ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Randomize
