i dedicated my morning wood to you.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
