I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I'm getting married
To pizza
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Randomize
