had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
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