i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Randomize
