i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
Randomize
