Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Randomize
