I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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