I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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