2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
