Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
