I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
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