i'm lost and i look like a hooker
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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