Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
