Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
