The brown eye won't let me do that either.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Randomize