nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
