So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
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