highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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