You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Randomize
