Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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