im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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