I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
