There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
Randomize