Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
