She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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