you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
