I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Randomize
