Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Randomize
