God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
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