That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Randomize