i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
Randomize
