nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
