my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
chicago's viagra triangle is not unlike the bermuda triangle in thatt things just get lost...... planes, ships, dignity, virginity, etc.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
