I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
