I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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