Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
