What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
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