Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
you didnt know i had herpes?
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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