I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
