Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
