Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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