I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
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