I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Randomize
