I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Randomize
