it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
