i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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