Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
