I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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