I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Randomize
