I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
