two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Randomize
