The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
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