Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
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