if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
