i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Randomize
