If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
