he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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