If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Less talking, more tequila
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
