The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
Randomize
