Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Is her dick bigger than yours?
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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