I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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