Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize
